after reading your essay I personally thought it was pretty good, the thesis could be a bit
straight forward but it is present. good choice or words and didn’t find any thing misspelled.
General Notes: I found this story to be quite engaging. I understand that I have been likely
overly generous in my suggestions and feedback. I hope it is well received, and I understand if
not. I don’t really know that much about writing, but what I wrote is from my instinctual
perspective on what message you are sending, and what I could recommend to help shape
your story-telling ability. Again, great work, and I look forward to seeing more from you Rami,
God bless. Very Sincerely, Jonathon Cavada
Your paper is great. After reading it all I thought you brought it all. you have over 2000 words,
your word selections are great, there are very minimal run on sentences, structured very well
and very very minimal errors. The entire essay made me feel like I was there with you. From
the very start you show us how excited you have been to attend this, how long you’ve waited
for this moment. You take us step by step on every feeling you had, leading all the way down
to the group you came to see specifically. I love that you included the old man’s excitement,
and how it was able to rub off on you, this shows great engagement. Only error I can see as
an outside source is just very few run ons. An example of one is “I never paid attention to their
performance probably because they were not my favorite band”. A comma could be added
in-between performance and probably.
At the end of your draft, write a brief “Process Reflection” paragraph addressing the
○ What do you like most about your project?
○ What, specifically, have you changed since the workshop draft, and
○ What still needs improvement?
○ What do you take away from this e